Wedding Traditions that Seriously Stink

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Nearly every girl’s life long dream is to locate her own Prince Charming. We’ve all seen Cinderella: the lovely young woman gets through her days wishing for something more, until finally she meets her handsome prince, who spends the entire night searching his kingdom for her.

Like the fairy tale says, if the shoe fits, wear it and treasure it. If it doesn’t “fit”, well then, everything’s just a disaster. The prince knew that his future bride was the only woman whose foot would fit the slipper perfectly. While the prince rode through his extensive kingdom, Cinderella never lost hope that her man would find her and whisk her away to the palace, where she’d end up living happily ever after.

Now I won’t lie- Cinderella is on my top 5 list of favorite Disney movies. But as I get older, I realize how the back story to this magical film is complete bullshit.

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I mean really, who sits back and waits for love to find them? Who sits back and waits for anything that’s worth having to simply just happen for them? This isn’t the 1800’s. Who says we women still have to be the weaker sex, and sit back waiting for the day that the man realizes he’s in love with us? Why can’t we be the strong ones, and go after the things, and the people that we want?

Don’t get me wrong here, I believe that I found my handsome Prince, and I spend my nights dreaming of the day which he decides to put the glass slipper on my foot, whisking me away his own grand palace for a life of happily ever after. However, being realistic, a lot of these old ideals and traditions are nothing but old. 

I’ve been to my fair share of weddings. I’ve even encountered plenty of Bridezilla’s to make me personally question whether a lot of these traditions are even worth following.

  • The bouquet toss:
    Nothing, and I mean nothing, turns single women into a pack of ravaged beasts quite like the fight to be the one to catch the bride’s bouquet. I’ve seen women in labor and women who haven’t eaten a meal all day who are less terrifying. Besides- how many girls who succeed at fighting off those other bitches for a collection of flowers actually get married soon after? My guess: none.
  • Fishing for the garter:
    Ok. Just awkward on all levels. Watching a man stick his entire head up his bride’s dress to remove a garter with his teeth is embarrassing, but it’s also one of those moments you just can’t seem to turn away from watching. What’s worse? Having all of your friends, family members and strangers standing around watching this happen, until the groom ultimately redeems his prize, swinging it around over his head in victory while his fellow apes stand around  grunting and beating their chests in false approval.
  • Parent-child dances:
    I always feel bad for those who have mothers and fathers who weren’t able to spend this special day with their children. Perhaps they’ve passed away, or moved away, or just walked out on their child and have chosen to miss this special day in their baby’s life. Maybe the father and daughter have never gotten along. Who knows. Even more: watching a son dance with his mother just looks like a special, intimate moment, only to be altered by having to share this very moment with 200+ guests.
  •  The Maid of “Honor”:
    Women are just catty in general. It’s a huge honor in itself for a bride-to-be to ask you to be a part of her special day. Why dull her shine by being jealous over the girl she carefully selects to be her maid of honor? And even more: cut the bride a little slack on this one… in no way can it be an easy decision to choose one girlfriend over the rest to aid in planning and celebrating her big day. Just be gracious that you’ve been asked to partake in her special moment.
  • Giving the Bride Away:
    I just don’t have any appreciation for this tradition. To me it kind of objectifies women, suggesting that she’s nothing more than a prize to be won, something that needs to be given away. The only giving that should be done on a wedding day is one’s heart and vows to another human being, promising to love, cherish and take care of the other in all moments they will face together in life.

I’m sure I’ve missed some lame traditions and points in writing this, but these are just some of the many parts to a wedding that always seem to have me rolling my eyes. Perhaps it just takes being engaged to understand and appreciate the value in some of these ideas. I guess tradition is just one pair of shoes I won’t be putting in my metaphorical closet.

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